Loss, Break-Ups & New Beginnings

Processing a break-up is known to be one of the most difficult forms of loss, because you’re grieving a person that is still very much alive, but the relationship and how you experienced them has changed or in most cases ‘evaporated’. Regardless of whether the relationship was years long, or only a few months, the emotional and psychological impact can be overwhelming. So, how do we cope when the love and person that was once our ‘safe place’ does a houdioni? And why does it hurt so much? To answer that, we have to look at the intricate connection between our minds, bodies, and attachment styles.

In this blog we will explore the physiological, psychological and emotional responses we can naturally have towards a break-up. The role attachment theory plays in our reactions and offering healthier coping strategies for navigating the loss and moving forward. 

That horrible crushing feeling in your chest, the piercing pain you feel in your heart, how can so much physical pain be caused just by the loss of a relationship? It makes sense when you bring science into it. When a romantic relationship ends, our brain and body respond in a similar way to physical pain and withdrawal from addiction. 

The Physiology of Heartbreak

You are currently experiencing withdrawal symptoms, most specifically ‘love withdrawal’. The brain regions that are activated commonly in drug withdrawal, also become activated when we think about an ex romantic partner post separation. These are the parts that are responsible for reward processing and dopamine, which results in:

• Obsessive thinking  

• Fixation

• Craving 

• Emotional distress 

  
  

Break-ups also trigger your body’s stress hormone ‘cortisol’ to be released. This in combination with the loss of emotional connection, security and routine can send you into fight-or-flight mode, experiencing the symptoms below: 

• Increased heart rate

• Tension 

• Digestive issues 

• Anxiety

• Loss of appetite 

• Sleep disturbances 

  
  

There’s more… When we enter romantic relationships, our bodies produce oxytocin (bonding hormone), and this is what creates the foundations for emotional intimacy. Ultimately, when the relationship ends, our oxytocin levels plummet, leaving us with feelings of despair, loneliness, and withdrawal. Not unfamiliar with the symptoms you experience when trying to quit a substance that your body has become dependent on. Except, this dependency is with a person and what that person symbolised in your life for that period of time. Their absence creates a loss of that emotional closeness that we continue to crave. 

So no, you’re not making this all up in your head, it really is this painful, however, it doesn’t have to be permanent. You can’t avoid your feelings or run away from them (doesn’t stop us from trying – unhealthy coping mechanisms), and as the old saying goes “the only way over it, is through it!”. It’s important to say here, that we have all engaged in not so healthy ways to heal a broken heart, but it would be mindful to consider if you’re engaging in these unhealthy behaviours consistently it may be a good idea to address them. 

• Drinking excessively 

• Risky sexual behaviour 

• Drugs 

• Over-working 

• Engaging in self-harm 

Attachment Styles & Our Reactions to Break-ups 

Attachment theory explores the connection between the relationships and bonds we experienced by our primary caregivers in early childhood and those interactions directly influencing our bonding process in relationships in adult life (this can be both platonic and romantic). Studies have shown that different attachment styles may influence how we experience and cope with breakups: 

Anxious Attachment: 

• Inherent panic 

• Intense fear around abandonment 

• Engaging in ‘protest behaviour’ – excessive reaching out, ruminating and stalking social media 

  
  

Avoidant Attachment: 

• Emotionally shut down 

• Numb 

• Suppresses feelings 

• Focus becomes independence 

  
  

Secure Attachment: 

• Can acknowledge pain and work through emotions 

• Processing in a healthy way 

• Maintains self-worth 

  
  

Disorganised Attachment (Combination of both Anxious and Avoidant Attachment)

• Confusion from relief to despair 

• Craving security and safety whilst feeling unworthy and unloved 

• Shutdown 

• Ruminate 

• Struggles to regulate emotions or make sense of the breakup 

  
  

As human beings we don’t all finely fit into a category of traits, but attachment theory can help get the ball rolling in recognising patterns of behaviour and developing healthier ways of coping.

Grief & Emotional Rollercoasters 

Now let’s call it what it is, all that pain and emotion is grief playing in real time. It’s an emotional rollercoaster. Grief comes in different stages and it isn’t always linear, you can go in and out of these stages (triggers, good days, bad days). 

Denial: Holding out hope for the relationship to be salvaged. Struggling to accept that it’s over. 

Anger: This is where your ego can take hold. Feeling resentful, blaming the other person and having an overwhelming feeling of being wronged. 

Bargaining:  You start to romanticise the relationship and ex partner. Idealising them and the relationship by making attempts to ‘fix’ things. 

Depression: Having a deep sense of sadness, loneliness and negative impact on self-esteem and questioning your self-worth. 

Acceptance: Being able to process all of your emotions, and logically make sense of the ending. Letting go of resentment and finding peace to move forward. This is the point where you gain clarity and perspective. 

Healthy Coping Strategies for Healing

As much as we would all want a magic wand from amazon to take this all away, all you have is time and how you spend that time determines your ability to move on in a way that is positive and transformative. 

Healing from a break-up is a journey, one that needs time, but with the right direction and intentional actions you can speed up the emotional recovery. 

Regulate Your Nervous System 

Engage in Breathwork & Mindfulness – Using deep breathing and meditation is a natural way of allowing your nervous system to slowly calm and recognise it’s no longer in a state of danger. 

Move your body – Exercise, dance, walk, run, do anything that means you can physically move. Movement allows you to not be sat stagnant with your feelings and having it trapped in your body (tension). The bonus part is that exercise releases endorphins, which counteract stress and sadness. 

Process Your Emotions 

I know it can be difficult to face and all you are wanting is to run away from all these feelings that are painful. The problem is, you can’t outrun yourself and your emotions are going to seep out somewhere, no matter how far you push them down. 

Journal

• Write down all your thoughts and feelings. Seeing your emotions written in black and white, can help make space in your head and allows you to release suppressed emotions. 

Therapy

• Reaching out to a professional can create a safe place where you can explore and have your feelings validated around the breakup. It’s also an opportunity for you to grow and develop healthier ways of processing loss.

Establish Boundaries

• If the relationship is over and there is no going back, don’t put yourself through the pain of continuing contact. It will only delay the inevitable hurt that is waiting on the other side. Going no contact will help break the addictive cycle of longing for your ex-partner.  

• Delete or mute them on social media so you’re not obsessively checking or becoming fixated on any updates. 

  
  

Reframe Your Perspective

• No relationship is a failure if we can learn from them and grow. This is an opportunity for you to enter a chapter of personal growth.  

• Remind yourself that this is a transformation, the love you h ad and gave is evidence of what is to connect deeply with another human. You will find that again, and this time you will know yourself better, you’ll know what works and what doesn’t. 

• Re-align with your values around emotional safety, communication, trust, transparency and partnership. See the things you value in your friendships and that will be the blueprint to your next relationship when you’re ready. 

Time to Reconnect with YOU

• Try new hobbies, say yes to things that you want to try 

• Focus on your goals

• Connect with people that love and appreciate you

• Engage in self-care (this doesn’t just have to be yoga and meditation) – it can be writing, travelling, skincare, anything that makes your heart warm and mind at peace.

• Do it solo. Date yourself. Go to that beautiful restaurant that you’ve always wanted to on your own. Go for coffee on your own. You don’t need someone by your side to enjoy new things or places, events and opportunities that will make you happy.

• It will feel uncomfortable and alien at first, but push through and let yourself enjoy life with a solo perspective. 

• Just because you lost romantic love, doesn’t mean love doesn’t exist in your life, you find it in friends, family, pets, your passions and in yourself.